Home Stretch!

If I had one word to describe the third trimester of pregnancy, it would be exhaustion! There are new symptoms everyday. I sleep less and less every night, I continue to get bigger when I'm certain my belly can't possibly stretch another millimeter, my hips ache every second and each step is stupidly painful, I ALWAYS have heartburn and there is NO relief, and so far the worst are my emotions. I have become this crazy ball of emotion, everything is a big deal. Traffic sets me off, I cry with even the most minor of frustrations, and I bawl when I'm happy.

The worst part about the every growing state of being miserable is that, whether it be to my mom or to my husband, if I complain at all, their reply to me is "hey, you wanted this." Like wanting a baby makes the pregnancy any more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, I actually like being pregnant, but I like it because I know what the end result will be, and that makes it worth it, however, it does not make my enormous girth and aching EVERYTHING easy.

On the plus side, there are many more memorable, and in my opinion hilarious, things happening now. Just this morning I was in a rage because my purse fell off of the table spilling it's contents all over the floor, so I angrily squatted down picking everything up just to realize I was stuck in that position. Jordan came out of the bathroom wondering what all the fuss was about, finding me squatted down with a scowl on my face because I couldn't get up. It's funny now, of course. I also love being able to watch my son move, and I can already see that he has his own little personality. He is a listener and stops moving whenever I or Jordan are talking. He also has an attitude, if I rest my arm on my belly he will continually kick at it until I move it, I guess we know who runs the show here.

With all of the complaints I have had about the pain, and the suspended state of feeling awkward, I have come to realize that I truly will miss it when he's born. I love every little hiccup, and the sound of his heartbeat, and knowing that I can keep him safe. I just don't want to say that out loud and make him think that it's okay to take his time coming into this world. There are six weeks left until my due date and three weeks left until he's full term, so hopefully he comes before he's made it to a heart 10 lbs, I'm SO ready to meet this little guy.

Is there a cure?

Hello psychopathic, unpredictable, overly sensitive,  bipolar, emotional-ness! Welcome to the third trimester? I am on a never ending quest to find the cure for this. In the past... oh say... two weeks, I have become one of the crazies, someone please lock me up. I cry over EVERYTHING. This is not an exaggeration. Forgot my wallet?... time to cry. I'm hungry?... Bring on the tears. Feeling a little lonely? Waterworks. So in love with my baby? Sob all night long.

My poor husband tries so hard to be patient with me, I know he does. Even when he does get irritated with me, I know he has absolutely every reason to be losing patience, but what is my reaction? Break down into tears. I love being pregnant, and I am counting seconds until I meet my little dude, but man, can this little side affect please find a nice corner to die in?

Last weekend I was fortunate enough to FINALLY get a girls night out. I came home feeling so good because I am now officially a hermit who rarely leaves her house, and a night out with the ladies was beyond needed. I told my husband about our great time, and then... the tears came. Do I know why? Not really... because my hormones think it's funny maybe? It's a long running joke between brain chemicals or something. Really though, don't even get me started on what this baby is doing to my appetite... I'm a raging emotional animal with a sandwich in each hand!

That is simply a taste of my new personality. I am a complete madwoman! Is there a cure for this? I think I should video document these final months of pregnancy, that way, when my sweet baby boy is a snotty teenager telling me how nuts I am, I will have the proof to show that it was he who has done this to me! Sweet blackmail!

Third Trimester, and Fears.

As I enter my third trimester, I have unfortunately been experiencing some of the "woes" so often talked about. I am feeling more tired, heavy, and sore. My son seems to think it's funny to pinch my nerves and make my leg painfully give out while walking... glad he has a sense of humor. Honestly, all of that is a piece of cake, I can do anything to bring this baby into the world, the biggest struggle I've been having recently, is new fears arising that I never considered before.

Lets talk about them, shall we?

My most recent fear: The sex of the baby will be wrong.
Anyone else experience this? It sounds so silly, but I've lost a little bit of sleep over it. Not that I would love the baby any less if he were a girl. My problem is that I tend to get emotionally attached easily. When we first found out we were pregnant, my husband and I both felt very strongly that it was a girl. We didn't start buying like crazy or decorating or anything, just because we knew a feeling wasn't grounds enough to be certain. Despite our feelings, our 20 week U/S revealed we are having a little boy! HURRAY! However, I did mourn the loss of the image of our baby girl. This phase didn't last long, I quickly recovered and turned the ideas of hair bows, and pink zebra print into the reality of toy trucks, and adorable little suits. Now that we have thoroughly prepared for a boy, I have a big worry of going into labor and giving birth to a little girl. Again, let me reiterate, this wouldn't change my love for the child, it would just make the first few weeks of transition from one expectation to another more difficult.
How I cope: To ease these fears, I have scheduled a second ultrasound, and I have expressed these fears to my mom, who of course assures me that if Noah were to turn out to be Aurora, she would make sure that the unexpected baby girl didn't have to wear little boy clothes for the first six months of her life. Expressing the fear, nearly eradicated it. So ladies, don't harbor those fears.

Fear number two: The baby will be born with a horrible defect.
I'm pretty certain that this is a fear every mother experiences. The only true desire that we have for our newborns is that they are healthy, and strong. Naturally the idea that something either you have unknowingly done, or that happened out of your control to cause the baby physical or mental harm in the womb, weighs heavy on your mind.
How I cope: So a little story. When I was around 18 weeks or so, I was offered a blood test that is very safe, and can possibly detect some genetic problems in your baby that may cause problems. I wasn't certain whether I wanted this or not, considering it was optional and probably wouldn't be covered by my insurance. So to help my decision I asked the nurse if there were specific benefits to having the test done. All she said to me was, "If there is something wrong, will you love the baby less?" Without a second thought I answered no. She assured me that if the results of a blood test would not sway my love for my baby, then there was no extra benefit to having the test done. I share this because that has helped ease my fears about defects. Who cares, maybe it will bring new challenges, but he is still my son, and nothing can change that.

My biggest fear as of late: I am going to miss the time I have with just my husband and I.
This is a little hard for me to admit. It is an absolute selfish fear. To give some background, let me explain why I love my husband so much.

When Jordan and I met, I was 18 and he was 16. When we met, I wasn't looking for anyone special. I had been in a couple semi-serious relationships (as serious as they get for an 18 year old) and had been told by more than one boyfriend that he wanted to marry me. I wasn't in any rush at that age to actually  tie the knot, but when a guy said that to me, it meant some sort of commitment. That we would continue to date, live, get good jobs, and when we were both stable as people, we would get married and move in together. Unfortunately, those relationships turned out to be on-again-off-again, tumultuous relationships that ended poorly, and left me broken, with barely a shred of self worth left. So again, when I met Jordan, we were just kids, and I wan't expecting anything to come from it.

As a couple months went by, we both knew that we wanted to get married. There wasn't any big rush, considering how young we were, but what made Jordan different from the others, is that even though we knew the wedding would be quite some time away, he took his small income from working at Zumiez, and bought me the most beautiful diamond ring... I knew he meant what he said. We were engaged for a year and a half, and shortly after Jordan turned 18, we were married. Not just in some simple family ceremony, but we both got our acts together and made the decision to be married in the temple, and Jordan took me there.

At 18 years old, he was working every single night for his parents cleaning business, using every penny he made to make sure I had a nice place to live, beautiful clothes to wear, and always enough food to eat. Two and a half years later, he is still working his fingers to the bone every night, sometimes until 2 in the morning, so that we can live in a house of our own, and we can go where ever we want, and do whatever we want, when ever we want. I never want for anything, he treats me like a goddess, and I've never been more sure of how loved, and blessed I am. He is also a worthy priesthood holder, that is always diligent in attending his meeting, and making sure we always go to every church function, whether I wanted to or not.

I couldn't have asked for a better man, and what an amazing father he will be, but my fear is of losing what I am already so lucky to have. I live for our Saturday date nights, and our early morning cuddles, and being able to lay in bed at 2 in the afternoon to watch a movie. I am really going to miss our exclusive time together, because I know that when the baby comes, it will no longer be the Katie and Jordan show, and our special moments will be rare, and no longer daily. We won't be able to get in the car and go when we feel like it, or nap together at any given moment.

I feel very guilty about how sad I am for this loss, and have at times found myself saying... what was I thinking, why was I so ready to have a baby and give this up?
How I cope: It's really not so much as coping, as looking at it from a different perspective. We may not have the same routine, we will have a new one, that may be even more wonderful that the one we have. I know I want to be a mom, and I have a man that is an ideal father, so what am I worried about. Plus, my mom is only 30 seconds away, and if we need time together, I'm sure she wouldn't mind watching the baby for an hour. Life isn't over, it's getting better.

The Pregnancy Body Peace Pact

If there is only one pure truth I have learned about pregnancy, it's that it causes an amazing lack of comfort with your body. I talk often about watching my body balloon, becoming rotund, and feeling heavy. And while I talk easily and jokingly about it, here's the undeniable fact: your body is not your body anymore. Your body is now a house for your child and will take on a complete mind of its own.

Don't get me wrong, there is definite joy in watching your belly grow with that sure sign of precious life. It's even comical when my mom tells me to quit stealing basketballs, and when no matter what I eat, it ends up down the front of my gigantic stomach. Jordan and I even get a laugh that I have to bend completely over to see my feet, or I have to ask him what my belly button looks like.

Sadly, the other side of joy, is despair. I can tell you, that at times, I have had that emotion about my new figure as well. It's strange not being able to see under my belly anymore, and to feel my belly button stretching to new dimensions. The worst, of course, is to see those new purple stretch marks creeping up my side. I have had the creepy inner monologues while looking in the mirror. I keep telling myself "who cares, my husband loves me, and this is all for a purpose." But at the same time, my mind is screaming in disgust at what I have become.

The funny thing is, pregnancy is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and we are all our harshest critics. I also know that I am not the only woman that faces this dilemma. So for myself and to all the other struggling moms out there, or even just those who are getting used to a new body, I recommend committing yourself to a new body peace pact.

A body peace pact sounds like one of those stupid things you read about in seventeen magazine, and honestly... it really is kind of silly, but funny enough IT WORKS. All there is to it, is to be able to look at yourself and see the positive over the negative, and feel confident in your own skin. I tell myself this;

You are amazing, and your body looks this way because it's creating a miracle, and someday your son will look at the pictures of what looks like his mother smuggling a basketball under her t-shirt, and cherish them. This transformation will bring a special someone into this world who will change your life, and your husbands forever.


Sweet and simple, but if said honestly and often, it makes me feel a little better, and well... less vain, because lets face it, there's more to life than looking like barbie.

Trimester Deux.

Now that I am just days away from delving into my sixth month of pregnancy, and fast approaching my third trimester, I figured I could share the experiences of my second trimester thus far.

I am finding that ever since finding out the gender three weeks ago, I am feeling a sense of urgency to get things ready for baby. I have to say... I feel SO MUCH BETTER! Not a hundred percent, my body is still working very hard to cook this little boy, and I have bad days still. Aside from a sick day here and there, I have lots of energy, a newly found appetite, and I feel much less weepy. Even though I feel great, I am noticing big changes in my body. I can no longer see under my belly, I am officially done with tummy sleeping, I wake much more often with little aches, and my favorite is that the kicks and movements are becoming stronger and more frequent. My least favorite part, is that I am really starting to feel heavier, and I am very aware of the strain on my hips and back now.

With my increasing size, and feeling of weight, I know that it's only a matter of time before I will be moving much slower, and feeling less well. That means it is work work work for me until I can't do it anymore. Just this past week I have washed and stored all of the baby clothes, blankets, and bedding so that it's ready when he comes. We also painted the nursery!

 New bedding all ready to keep my sweet boy comfy and warm.

 Our theme for the nursery is owls, and we are into soothing natural colors like blue and brown.

 We had a talented friend make a special name for him to match the nursery.

Still a work in progress, but it feels good to get something done.

It still feels like there is so much left to do. I have to take deep breaths quite often. Every time I look at my growing form, I realize that while it's still far away, it's going quickly and I get a little bit of anxiety. I'm scared to be a parent, and I want so desperately to be as prepared as I can. I know it's a big transition in life, and while I welcome it, I still strive for it to be as comfortable as possible.

With that aside, it's probably pretty clear that I like lists. So here is my list of Pros and Woes of the second trimester.

PROS
☺The little kicks and movements!!
☺The feeling of wellness.
☺I'm starting to look pregnant, and not just like I need to say no to Twinkies.
☺That frantic feeling that I need to get ready, I have motivation to clean!
☺My appetite is back!
☺It's so cute when Jordan talks to him.
☺We're almost there!

Now the woes are pretty much the downsides to all of the pros!
WOES
☻I love it when he moves, but for some reason he has made himself comfortable right on top of my bladder.
☻I feel SO HEAVY!
☻I still feel self conscious about my body, it just looks weird.
☻So much to do, and time is racing.
☻I WANT FOOD. What's that? Ham? Yes, please! Two helpings, and some potatoes, and gravy, and jello for dessert, then for a snack...
☻I have a terrible fear that he and my husband won't bond... I know I'm being stupid, I know without a doubt that Jordan loves him more than anything, I worry about everything.
☻We're almost there... AHHH!

I also wanted to share some funny things I hear, or feel, or have experienced.

One of my favorite things that I have heard this trimester is "Wow, you're carrying high!" I agree it appears that I am carrying high, little does everyone know that he still thinks he's nine weeks old, and hangs out in my pelvis. The illusion that I'm carrying high comes from the fact that I'm a midget with a 4 inch torso... There is no where else from my uterus to go! It is stretching from right below my boobs all the way to my pelvis, and shoving all of my insides into my ribs, but my son is chilling AT THE VERY FREAKING BOTTOM!!

I also have to laugh how everyone, and I seriously mean everyone, asks me how I'm feeling. Most of the time it's veteran moms, and I'm pretty positive they know how I'm feeling. I always like to answer the question because following is usually an awesome or hilarious story from the mother about her horrendous sickness, or hemorrhoids, or something that makes me feel better about sleeping in until 11 the day before yesterday.

Lastly, I find it funny how I can already tell that he is a lot like his father. He gets fidgety during church, and reacts to music. My favorite is when he sort of just... stretches out and pushes against me. I can feel this weird pressure at several different angles like he just needs more room and he's going about getting it. The funny thing is, Jordan does that every night in bed. I guess we are going to need a bigger bed when he gets older and spends the occasional night with us...

It's a healthy baby something.

So far, pregnancy has been an adventure, and a fantastically new learning experience, but this week has been the greatest adventure so far. Now that I am in my fifth month of pregnancy, we are far enough along to find out the gender of our baby!

We had heard so many "tricks" to figuring out the gender, before you were 20 weeks. We heard; If you carry high, it's a girl and if you carry low, it's a boy. If the heart rate is above 140 then it's a girl. If your husband gains weight, it's a girl. If you weren't under stress when you conceived, then it's a boy. If you tend to pass gas in your sleep, then it's an orangutan (not really)! After we compared my pregnancy to these.... indicators, we were pretty confident that this baby is a girl, and on top of that, both Jordan and I, just sort of felt that it is a girl.

As the days lead up to the very much anticipated ultrasound, I would look at my ballooning body in the mirror and think about how strange I am starting to look. Since I am carrying so high, my bust and belly nearly merge now, and my waist is completely gone, I look like a lovely little blob in a blue sweater. This would normally upset me, but all I could think about is this precious little baby floating around kicking my kidneys, and it makes my new blob like and shapeless body more than worth it. Part of me wanted to just imagine the baby in my rounding belly as a little girl with Jordan's eyes and my hair, but I knew that it wasn't time for that yet.

Christmas came and went, and finally Tuesday was here. I obediently filled my bladder past capacity, and lay down very uncomfortably on the table. The ultrasound tech tried three times to find the baby's gender, with no luck, our sweet little child is a modest thing and had it's legs very tightly clamped shut, no amount of jiggling or waiting was swaying that modesty. Forty-five minutes had gone by and the tech had seen nearly everything she needed, I had been diligently praying for Heavenly Father to convince this child to just give us a little peak. I wanted so badly to be able to give my baby a name, and an identity more than just "my baby".

Luckily, my prayers were answered and the baby opened its little legs and the sight was unmistakable.

We are having a bouncing baby  BOY.


We were so certain it was a girl that it was a wonderful surprise to see the unmistakable boy parts on the screen, we were ecstatic. Now don't get me wrong, we weren't hoping for one gender over the other, it's our first baby, how could we possibly have a preference yet? All I really wanted to hear was that it was a baby, and it's healthy, but I have to say it is added excitement that I can now picture my SON, Noah, not just some baby.

It even looks like he has my nose. The thought of Jordan sharing his love for music, his unique kindness, and unconditional love for everyone with our little boy, brings tears to my eyes. Thinking of him fishing with my dad, or cooking with my mom, or cuddling with me on the couch. My emotions are indescribable. I have always known, without a shadow of a doubt, that I want to have a family, but the happiness I feel about such an enormous change in our lives, is nothing but reassurance that  we are meant for this. We hope that someday our baby boy with have sisters and brothers, and will be able to share the happiness that an addition to the family brings.

Sensitivity to Infertility

Whether I have said before or not, before becoming pregnant, I had a small battle with infertility. I am a very lucky case, my infertility was being caused by some confused hormones, irregular periods, and MIA eggs. It was easily conquered by some miserable hormone pills that made me feel like I was on fire, and slightly mentally unstable.

 Even though I was easily cured, I still had an emotional battle. My husband and I tried for a baby for about a year before I finally consulted my doctor. I went for my yearly and expressed my concerns, and symptoms to the PA that was in charge of my check up. All she offered me was a round of birth control to get me back on track. That, however, wasn't an option for me. About six month previous to this doctors visit, I was diagnosed with a small tumor on my liver. When Jordan and I first married, I elected to be on the pill for a short while, that time was shorter than even planned. I had a horrible reaction to the pills and stopped taking them after a month. My surgeon suggested that my the small tumor was part of my bad reaction to my short bout with birth control. We have been trying for baby ever since.

 After telling my PA that I didn't dare risk birth control again, she pretty much said... well... tough, guess you aren't getting pregnant. It was the only option I was given. After this emotional experience I was very distraught, and bitter. I felt that I would never get pregnant and it was all the doctors faults, they were stupid, and didn't care to help me. It was close to another year later that my mom finally convinced me to go back to see the DOCTOR, not one of his confused PA's. I did, and he was much more helpful, and a month after my visit to him, we were expecting.

My point in telling all of this is, a few days ago, I stumbled across the blog of a woman who had recently had a battle with infertility, unfortunately for this woman, she had to have in vitro fertilization to have any hope of becoming a mother. She went through two failed attempts, and finally on her third, she was blessed to see those coveted little pink lines.

 In her blog she talked about how, even though she was finally able to realize her dream, she wanted to remain sensitive to those who were still struggling with infertility. She had made a list of what she planned on doing to remain sensitive, this list included:

Do not post your sonogram picture anywhere.

Never talk or post photos about your nursery.

No over the top cutesy-poo nicknames for the baby.

Don’t make every post, tweet, status and conversation about your pregnancy.

Never, ever forget your struggle with infertility or the others who continue to struggle.

I can tell you that, even though my battle was only a short two years in comparison to others, I was bitter and angry with other pregnant women, not because they were sharing their happiness, but because I was jealous, and all I wanted was to be able to share similar joys with them. Every time I saw a sonogram from someone else, It just made the desire stronger. While I do agree with the last two bullets to an extent. Not everything in the world needs to be about your pregnancy, for the first few weeks, that's hard, but eventually excitement becomes controllable. Also, being supportive and conscientious of those who are struggling with infertility should be practiced by everyone, not just those who have had the same struggles.

   The other bullets of this list make me feel sad for this woman. Where is the joy with not being able to share you photos on facebook? I know that I have family all over this country that I want to share these memories with, and that's what I use facebook for. Also, I'm not sure I would want someone on my friends list that made me feel like I couldn't be excited about this. The nickname thing... really? Now that's just silly. Can I not give my dog a cute nickname either?

Here is my own list for being sensitive to those who are struggling with infertility, just a few things that in REALITY, might hurt a struggling mommy's feelings.

♥Don't brag to the world about how fertile you are, that's just gross.
♥Don't act like it's some sort of disease. It's appropriate to ask if they are doing okay, but condolences or pitty are unnecessary.
♥Don't walk on eggshells. It's okay to be happy about your baby, that's what these women want too, just don't rub it in their face that you're preggo and they aren't.

There, three easy rules, don't be gross, don't be awkward, and don't hide your joy. Infertility is a very touchy subject, it's heartbreaking to the one who is struggling, but it's still not fair to ever ask anyone to stop being happy and sharing their joy, just because you're struggling. It still is a two act play. Those who aren't engaged in the battles do need to be aware of those who are fighting, and do what they can to NOT hurt their feelings, but on the other side, those who are struggling need to understand that the world doesn't revolve around their trials. I understand the need to feel bitter, and to cry it out sometimes, so go ahead and do it, it just might help, but don't ask me to be miserable with you.