Third Trimester, and Fears.

As I enter my third trimester, I have unfortunately been experiencing some of the "woes" so often talked about. I am feeling more tired, heavy, and sore. My son seems to think it's funny to pinch my nerves and make my leg painfully give out while walking... glad he has a sense of humor. Honestly, all of that is a piece of cake, I can do anything to bring this baby into the world, the biggest struggle I've been having recently, is new fears arising that I never considered before.

Lets talk about them, shall we?

My most recent fear: The sex of the baby will be wrong.
Anyone else experience this? It sounds so silly, but I've lost a little bit of sleep over it. Not that I would love the baby any less if he were a girl. My problem is that I tend to get emotionally attached easily. When we first found out we were pregnant, my husband and I both felt very strongly that it was a girl. We didn't start buying like crazy or decorating or anything, just because we knew a feeling wasn't grounds enough to be certain. Despite our feelings, our 20 week U/S revealed we are having a little boy! HURRAY! However, I did mourn the loss of the image of our baby girl. This phase didn't last long, I quickly recovered and turned the ideas of hair bows, and pink zebra print into the reality of toy trucks, and adorable little suits. Now that we have thoroughly prepared for a boy, I have a big worry of going into labor and giving birth to a little girl. Again, let me reiterate, this wouldn't change my love for the child, it would just make the first few weeks of transition from one expectation to another more difficult.
How I cope: To ease these fears, I have scheduled a second ultrasound, and I have expressed these fears to my mom, who of course assures me that if Noah were to turn out to be Aurora, she would make sure that the unexpected baby girl didn't have to wear little boy clothes for the first six months of her life. Expressing the fear, nearly eradicated it. So ladies, don't harbor those fears.

Fear number two: The baby will be born with a horrible defect.
I'm pretty certain that this is a fear every mother experiences. The only true desire that we have for our newborns is that they are healthy, and strong. Naturally the idea that something either you have unknowingly done, or that happened out of your control to cause the baby physical or mental harm in the womb, weighs heavy on your mind.
How I cope: So a little story. When I was around 18 weeks or so, I was offered a blood test that is very safe, and can possibly detect some genetic problems in your baby that may cause problems. I wasn't certain whether I wanted this or not, considering it was optional and probably wouldn't be covered by my insurance. So to help my decision I asked the nurse if there were specific benefits to having the test done. All she said to me was, "If there is something wrong, will you love the baby less?" Without a second thought I answered no. She assured me that if the results of a blood test would not sway my love for my baby, then there was no extra benefit to having the test done. I share this because that has helped ease my fears about defects. Who cares, maybe it will bring new challenges, but he is still my son, and nothing can change that.

My biggest fear as of late: I am going to miss the time I have with just my husband and I.
This is a little hard for me to admit. It is an absolute selfish fear. To give some background, let me explain why I love my husband so much.

When Jordan and I met, I was 18 and he was 16. When we met, I wasn't looking for anyone special. I had been in a couple semi-serious relationships (as serious as they get for an 18 year old) and had been told by more than one boyfriend that he wanted to marry me. I wasn't in any rush at that age to actually  tie the knot, but when a guy said that to me, it meant some sort of commitment. That we would continue to date, live, get good jobs, and when we were both stable as people, we would get married and move in together. Unfortunately, those relationships turned out to be on-again-off-again, tumultuous relationships that ended poorly, and left me broken, with barely a shred of self worth left. So again, when I met Jordan, we were just kids, and I wan't expecting anything to come from it.

As a couple months went by, we both knew that we wanted to get married. There wasn't any big rush, considering how young we were, but what made Jordan different from the others, is that even though we knew the wedding would be quite some time away, he took his small income from working at Zumiez, and bought me the most beautiful diamond ring... I knew he meant what he said. We were engaged for a year and a half, and shortly after Jordan turned 18, we were married. Not just in some simple family ceremony, but we both got our acts together and made the decision to be married in the temple, and Jordan took me there.

At 18 years old, he was working every single night for his parents cleaning business, using every penny he made to make sure I had a nice place to live, beautiful clothes to wear, and always enough food to eat. Two and a half years later, he is still working his fingers to the bone every night, sometimes until 2 in the morning, so that we can live in a house of our own, and we can go where ever we want, and do whatever we want, when ever we want. I never want for anything, he treats me like a goddess, and I've never been more sure of how loved, and blessed I am. He is also a worthy priesthood holder, that is always diligent in attending his meeting, and making sure we always go to every church function, whether I wanted to or not.

I couldn't have asked for a better man, and what an amazing father he will be, but my fear is of losing what I am already so lucky to have. I live for our Saturday date nights, and our early morning cuddles, and being able to lay in bed at 2 in the afternoon to watch a movie. I am really going to miss our exclusive time together, because I know that when the baby comes, it will no longer be the Katie and Jordan show, and our special moments will be rare, and no longer daily. We won't be able to get in the car and go when we feel like it, or nap together at any given moment.

I feel very guilty about how sad I am for this loss, and have at times found myself saying... what was I thinking, why was I so ready to have a baby and give this up?
How I cope: It's really not so much as coping, as looking at it from a different perspective. We may not have the same routine, we will have a new one, that may be even more wonderful that the one we have. I know I want to be a mom, and I have a man that is an ideal father, so what am I worried about. Plus, my mom is only 30 seconds away, and if we need time together, I'm sure she wouldn't mind watching the baby for an hour. Life isn't over, it's getting better.

The Pregnancy Body Peace Pact

If there is only one pure truth I have learned about pregnancy, it's that it causes an amazing lack of comfort with your body. I talk often about watching my body balloon, becoming rotund, and feeling heavy. And while I talk easily and jokingly about it, here's the undeniable fact: your body is not your body anymore. Your body is now a house for your child and will take on a complete mind of its own.

Don't get me wrong, there is definite joy in watching your belly grow with that sure sign of precious life. It's even comical when my mom tells me to quit stealing basketballs, and when no matter what I eat, it ends up down the front of my gigantic stomach. Jordan and I even get a laugh that I have to bend completely over to see my feet, or I have to ask him what my belly button looks like.

Sadly, the other side of joy, is despair. I can tell you, that at times, I have had that emotion about my new figure as well. It's strange not being able to see under my belly anymore, and to feel my belly button stretching to new dimensions. The worst, of course, is to see those new purple stretch marks creeping up my side. I have had the creepy inner monologues while looking in the mirror. I keep telling myself "who cares, my husband loves me, and this is all for a purpose." But at the same time, my mind is screaming in disgust at what I have become.

The funny thing is, pregnancy is a BEAUTIFUL thing, and we are all our harshest critics. I also know that I am not the only woman that faces this dilemma. So for myself and to all the other struggling moms out there, or even just those who are getting used to a new body, I recommend committing yourself to a new body peace pact.

A body peace pact sounds like one of those stupid things you read about in seventeen magazine, and honestly... it really is kind of silly, but funny enough IT WORKS. All there is to it, is to be able to look at yourself and see the positive over the negative, and feel confident in your own skin. I tell myself this;

You are amazing, and your body looks this way because it's creating a miracle, and someday your son will look at the pictures of what looks like his mother smuggling a basketball under her t-shirt, and cherish them. This transformation will bring a special someone into this world who will change your life, and your husbands forever.


Sweet and simple, but if said honestly and often, it makes me feel a little better, and well... less vain, because lets face it, there's more to life than looking like barbie.