Time for an update.

This blog has been quiet for over a year! Why you ask... Because I have been extremely busy learning how to be a mother to two human beings.

If you have read any of my previous posts you know that I was one of those littler girls who dreamed of being a mother since I was born, and my road to motherhood was less thank ideal. If you HAVEN'T read my previous posts, well then... I have dreamed of being a mom since I was born, and my road to motherhood was less than ideal... my husband and I tried for nearly two years to conceive and eventually underwent fertility treatments before becoming pregnant with our precious son Noah. Then when he was three months old, we very surprisingly became pregnant with out beautiful daughter Aurora. That was quite the blessing in disguise since we had been previously plagued with infertility. We were ten weeks pregnant before we even knew we were expecting again and Rory joined us two weeks early at a healthy 7 lbs 12 oz. It was clear that a higher power knew it was time for her to join our family, and join it in a hurry.

Never in my wildest dreams did I know that my most desperate desire would be my biggest struggle. Mother is the most prestigious and heavy title I have ever had the honor of bearing. It's been a shock, but in the best of ways.

Before I had children, everything I did was selfish, I had no one to worry about but myself. I am astounded that every move I now make is aimed at the well being of someone else. Every grocery I buy is intended for little mouths, I gladly go without so that they may have. I spend hours on my knees praying for little spirits. Every news article I read suddenly becomes personal because "what if it were my kids." I have never worried more in my life for another human being. I often feel like a failure simply because I was not able to stop accidents from happening or tears from falling.

I remember every Sunday as a child, my brothers and I would ask "are we going to church today?" Not once was the answer no. In youth I didn't value the gospel as I do now. It was just something we did. Now I know why the answer was always yes, we are going to church. Nothing weighs heavier on my shoulders than knowing that it is my job to get these special spirits back to my Father in Heaven. It is my job as their mother to teach them and help them to have he understanding and desire to live life in a manner so that we can all be together for eternity. My heart breaks at the idea of not being with them for eternity, and failing at such an important task.

To build, create, and carry another human being within myself is the most powerful, and life changing experience I have had. I feel as though I am so strong and yet so weak. I can do amazing things and step over every physically boundary to protect and care for my children, yet I find myself crying almost everyday for them, every frown tears me apart inside, but I wouldn't change anything for a minute. Every smile and giggle far outweighs any pain I have felt. The warm touch and smell of my baby's  skin makes me forget any of the heart ache. Every second spent with them is a second not wasted.

Learning to be a mother has been a whole body consumption and changed me for the better, I only pray that I will always continue to learn and adapt... and hopefully find time to update my blog every now and again. :)